I am trapped in my own mind, and it’s my fault.
Come with me as I walk through the hallways of my mind. Please stay close by and I’ll do my best to ensure your physical and mental safety. And remember, if you see something that scares you, that it’s all in my mind.
This hallway is the hallway of knowledge. The one above us is the hallway of spirituality, but you don’t want to go there. Some of it is wonderful and artfully designed, but mostly it’s cracked and very fuzzy. I’m afraid it’s not nearly done yet.
You’ll see the walls are covered with quotes that define or amuse me. Don’t bother trying to read them all, you don’t want to be in here that long.
To the right there’s a room labelled English. No, no, don’t bother going in. If you can understand me, than you already know all of that language that you need to know.
All along here you’ll find your typical school subjects; Mathematics, Home Economics- that’s a small room, and Science. That door opens into another hallway that has rooms off of it with different sub-divisions; Geology, Biology, Chemistry, Anatomy…that sort of thing.
This stretch is for History, Geography, and politics. It’s a little dim here, so please watch your step.
You see, how it works on this floor is when I need information on any of these topics in particular that I already know, I come up to this floor and open the door. Usually the answer will jump out at me after it’s opened. Sometimes though, I need to go in and dig around a bit before I find it and I have to be very careful not to mess things up.
I’m a bit short on memory. If you know any places that sell memory I’d appreciate it if you let me know.
Please follow me down the stairs. The floor below us has rooms labelled “Family”, “Sex and Sexuality”, “Friendship” and so on. Don’t get too excited, we won’t be walking down that hallway, though I’m sure many of you are dying to do some snooping in there.
Please, down this next stairwell. This floor is not a hallway. It is just a room. To the left I’ve gotten my thoughts and thought processes organized and it looks much like a library.
I’ve dedicated a lot of my time to this room. I’ve mixed in all of my knowledge of psychology in here as well as yo ucan see by the back wall there under the big sign “Psychology”. It is there because I’ve been studying my own thoughts and their patterns. Once I can isolate the problem thoughts I can work on correcting them.
I’m sick, but I’m getting better.
This chalkboard in front of you is the Board of Debate. I can come in here and write out a thousand reasons why I believe what I believe so when the debate is on I can argue my point effectively. It’s large so I can take notes as I’m debating. I come back to the notes and reason out a new opinion if necessary. I am not completely closed minded after all.
But alas- I should have invested in a Board of Arguments because once the discussion takes that big step over the fine line into argument and away from debate, the damn thing erases itself and I can’t, for the life of me, remember what was on it.
And if that’s not enough, it will write out the other person’s argument- not all…just one hurtful phrase. And then of course, that’s all I see for the rest of the argument.
You see those messy bookshelves, overflowing boxes and stacks across from my library of organized thoughts? Those are my unorganized thoughts. Many of them aren’t worth keeping, but I need to sift through them all so I don’t throw away the real gems. That is why I spend so much time in here, but there are always thoughts falling out of thin air. Constantly, as you can see. There’s just no real way of sorting them out without hiding inside myself for the rest of my life. And as much as I hate the clutter and confusion, I’d like the alternative less.
But enough of this room, as intriguing as you guys seem to think it might be. Our destination is not here. Please follow me down another staircase.
YOU may have noticed that the staircases have become a little more twisted and misshapen each floor we go down. I’m sorry about that, I had no control over the construction. I merely shaped the rooms.
This floor, another room of course, is dedicated to creativity. I tried building rooms, but I found that I couldn’t label the art properly, so I stopped trying. I kept most of the walls though, so I could hang up as many pictures as I could. Many beautiful paintings. I put in a lot of shelves too, for all the items I find appealing.
Why yes, that is a houseplant. Isn’t it delightful? Please don’t touch those rocks, I found them when I was very young and they have sentimental value.
Over there is my written creative section. All of the good creative ideas I have upstairs get copied and brought down here. There are also many writings that I’ve done myself and the most wonderful ideas from other people. In them, I find inspiration.
And over there we have music and entertainment. The music section is larger of course, as it fuels my passion much more than entertainment. It’s probably good I don’t know how to play any instruments. I think it’s too crowded in here already.
All throughout this room are my works mixed in with other people’s.
I like this room the best. It’s so…motivating. I can spend hours in here just soaking up the energy.
Pardon my sigh. It’s just that I never look forward to walking away from this room.
Alright, down another staircase. Please be very cautious on these stairs. They are very deformed. Hold onto the wall, not the banister or you will end up with nasty splinters.
I apologize for the odor, but that’s part of what you came here for. Don’t mind the noises. I know they set off a wave of panic, but they are utterly harmless.
We descend now into the basement…the dungeon. This is where I keep my demons…when I can capture them.
Don’t worry, I did a walk-through before you got here to ensure that they were properly caged.
Behind this door, you’ll find Greed. He’s always hungry. He’s a slippery creature. Every time I think I’ve found a good way to chain him down he always seems to find a way to break out.
This is Anger. Even if you opened the door- which I don’t advise- you wouldn’t see him. I’ve lost track of the number of walls I’ve built around him. Still he pulses through from time to time.
The room with the open door is Guilt. it seems he got out again. I can never keep him locked up for more than five minutes. He is definitely a hassle.
No, don’t be concerned. He can’t hurt you. He’ll only attack me. I’ll lose of course, but there won’t be any gore for you to see.
There’s many of them, as I’m sure you can see for yourself. And my, they do love to feast.
On their own they are often no more than annoying, but when they gang up on me; Anxiety and Fear, Depression and Laziness, Hate and Jealousy….in whatever combination they decide to attack, it gets rather unpleasant.
Some days it’s just impossible to battle them. I’ve had most of them at all once before. It took me a long time to recover from that.
My friends, what you have come here for today lies behind the door at the end of that hall.
I’ll thank you in advance for not opening the doors. I’m afraid she’ll get confused if she sees you. She can’t see you through the glass, it’s a mirror on her side.
May I now introduce you to the real me?
What she is doing right now is removing her face. She’s worn many different masks- all in the shape of her own face. All of which she honestly believed was her own face.
No, she hasn’t discovered herself yet.
She spends all day trying out new things, reading organized thoughts and wandering through the creative room, spending hours in the family room. Once in a while I see her up on the spirituality floor, but not often.
She’s been in here all day today trying to find herself. Who she is, what she wants, how to be better, and so on.
Why down here? You ask.
Yes, this is the deepest, darkest section of my mind. She is here because of the demons. I need to deal with those before I can find myself. I need to face them. Keeping them caged isn’t enough.
She is down here so she can study them, so that she can defeat them.
But I’ll have to ask you guys to leave now. Anxiety has broken out and is pulsing through me at this moment.
I’m going to soothe him with a cold beer and a couple of hours in the creativity room.
Thank you for stopping by. Any time you need a change from your drab, sane world, I’ll be here.